Fight the Future
2002-05-06 @ 6:58 p.m.

I was just reading Alex's entry. A recent theme of her's has been change and apprehension about it. I was thinking that where most people are afraid of change, I'm afraid that it things will stop changing. I'm more confortable when every thing is up in the air. I can make decisions because I have to pick something, but I don't have to live with the consequences yet. As long as everything keeps changing, I can deal with now instead of later.

I hate thinking about later. That's all I've been doing lately. You know, college, deciding your future. Picking classes is an ordeal because I have to take things I'll "need" for my major and I don't even know if this is what I want to be doing anymore. Sure I like history, but (let's face it) it's pretty useless. What am I going to do? Teach? Write those blasted "Idiot's Guides" books? I could do those things, but am I suited to it? Will I be happy?

I don't want to be one of those people who just get a job they hate because it provides security and enough to make ends meet. I don't want to end up like my Uncle Ed, drifting from menial job to menial job until I find some thing "worthy" of my education. I don't want to end up in some unfulfilling place that I hate going to every morning, that I feel is beneath me, that is unrewarding. If only I could figure out what I do want.

I'm afraid to make a choice, and I'm afraid to settle and I'm afraid of an uncertain future, most of all because I'll be largely responsible for what happens to me.

I get like this and I feel the need to make some large change. Last time, I went to college. Now...I don't know. Change majors, maybe. That's another thing, I'm interested in all of this stuff, but I can't see doing it for my whole life or even a portion of it. If I transferred to Loyola or somewhere I would have to start all over again, which would delay the future, at least, but wouldn't solve the problem.

I wish I could sort this out. Maybe I'll go see Dr. Scott. Perhaps she can help me out here. Or I'll get the you've-got-time-to-figure-things-out- you're-just-a-freshman speech. That would not be good right now.

I despise this. I'm no good at fear. I'm good at covering it up, but no good at dealing with it. Fear is my least favorite emotion. I'll try to deal with it when I finish this paper.

Thought of the Day:

No, you're not mistaken, I felt the need to update twice today. See previous entry for today's Thought.

before ~ after

Failing Miserably - 2004-10-08
So Not Dead/Catching Up - 2004-09-20
Murphy's Law - 2,629,163,298, Sarah - 2 - 2004-08-23
Listmainia! continues - 2004-08-04
Continuing the list - 2004-08-02